Aidan's messages mirrored what I was going through. He missed me too, and missed our togetherness. We spent many Skype calls talking about the future, planning to be together, chatting about when he'd come up to Michigan, and reminiscing about the time we spent together in Charlotte. I couldn't be more thankful for my decision to drive down there, (Thanks Renee!) because I knew in my heart that we just had to be together finally. While neither of us had any idea about the specifics of the future, how we will make it work, who will move where exactly and when, we did know without a shadow of a doubt that we wanted to be together no matter what. There was, and is, great comfort in that.
Each day was filled with the dance we had created for ourselves. Morning texts, midmorning Skype calls, Facebook flirts, more Skype calls, all the way until our last chat before we both went to bed. We spent our daily lives intertwined with 690 miles between us. We laughed until we cried, I shared my heartaches with him and he cheered me up. He found photos from his childhood and sent them to me over the net, and told me stories about his siblings and growing up in Ireland. Aidan joked with my boys over Skype and chatted with my daughter.
On the nights that Aidan worked, I went to bed before he got home, but I always told him to call me anyway. He is my favorite reason to lose sleep, and it will always be that way. Sometimes it was 2 or 3 in the morning, and I'd answer half asleep and hear his dreamy voice...It was heaven. But one night, the phone rang, and it wasn't what I'd expected when I answered, half asleep.
"Darlin. It's me."
Oh no. What happened??
If there is one thing I knew well already, it was Aidan's voice. And something wasn't right in it at all.
"Aidan ... what's wrong?" I asked, immediately wide awake.
"I just got a call from my brother, so I did, from back home. Mammy's not good, the hospital called him in the middle of the night. I don't know what's going on, but he says I need to come home. I have to go back home, Love." Aidan sounded shaken.
My heart sank. For him, for his family, and for us. This was something we both knew could happen, but we had prayed that it wouldn't. His poor mammy. I just couldn't imagine her going through so much, she was only in her sixties. I prayed that she would recover from whatever it was that had a hold on her.
Aidan told me that he'd be in touch as soon as he knew more. The poor guy had to finish work with all this on his mind. We hung up and I lay in the dark with hot tears running into my pillow. This was scary and so sad. My heart ached for my sweet Aidan.
Some hours later, he called again, and already had flight arrangements to leave that day. Aidan knew my heart so well, and promised me that he'd come back to me, and not to worry. He said he'd call as soon as he could. I worried about him. He was so tired, concerned, and alone. What I wouldn't have given to have gone with him, just to hold his hand, just to be there for him. But it wasn't possible at the moment. We would manage, one way or another, to be in touch.
I too was exhausted that day, I hadn't slept much since his call. I ran the morning with the kids on autopilot, every time my phone made a noise, I jumped, hoping it was Aidan. He called as soon as landed in NYC in between gates. From there, it would be a good 7 or 8 hours till he landed in Dublin. I was just a wreck by then. Worried, praying, confused as to why all this was happening, and wondering what each day from this point on would bring.
What I did know, was that I was overwhelmingly thankful for the time we had in Charlotte, and I thanked God over and over that that weekend had taken place, when it did. Because what we faced now was not knowing when we'd see each other again. What if I hadn't gone, and he'd gone back home to Ireland? What if we hadn't had that time to solidify what had developed between us? Thank God we'd been together.
I was on pins and needles for the rest of that day, thinking about him flying home to Ireland. I worried about his safety and prayed for him. I worried about his mammy, and hoped to God she'd be ok. I was a pacing wreck.
To pass the time, I sifted through our photos and old texts and messages, rereading them for the 100th time. I listened to Aidan's voicemails on my phone, so much that I had every word memorized. I daydreamed about chats we had and smiled at the way we were together. And I stared at the clock, which didn't seem to be moving.
Oh my Lord, I'm a lunatic. My poor sweetheart will surely think I've turned into a stalker if he hears this! Oh well. What's a girl to do when she's missing the love of her life?
The time difference between here and there is five hours. I knew it would be awhile before I'd hear from him. All I could do was wait. And try not to worry or think to far ahead. (Neither easy for me to do.)
At some point my phone rang, and I immediately recognized it as an international call. I grabbed it as quick as possible. Sure enough, it was my sweet love, calling on his cousin's phone to tell me he'd landed. It was so good to hear his voice!!! I was so thankful that he was safe and in the arms of his family that I knew had missed him dreadfully. He hadn't been there in over a decade. Aidan told me he loved me, and promised to get in touch as soon as he could. We knew there was going to be an issue with his cell phone over there, it's a small fortune to make a phone call if it's even possible at all. I was just so grateful that he called.
Over the next day or two, it felt like culture shock. From the very first moment we connected on Twine, we had never gone more than nine hours without contact. And now, we were not only separated by 3000 miles, but an inability to freely connect as we had been doing for so long. I felt lost. As hard as I tried to stay busy with my life, my mind wandered back to him, and my heart ached to hear his voice again and see those gorgeous blue eyes and sheepish grin.
Thank God for Renee, and for my mom. Both of them listened to me worry, and both of them worked hard at keeping my head on straight. The two days we hadn't talked felt like a month. Those two days, my mind wandered like wildfire.
I did not doubt, for a split second, Aidan's love for me, nor did I question the seriousness of what we had together. What I DID worry about, however, was his family's opinion of me, and of our relationship, none of which I have ever fully disclosed to Aidan. I didn't know his family personally, all I knew is that they were warm and wonderful and very close. I knew how much Aidan's family meant to him, and rightfully so. That is one of the reasons I love him so much, the love for his family means everything to me. But what if ... What if they don't approve? I'm older than him, by only a few years, but still. I have children. His family is Catholic. I wasn't raised Catholic. Oh dear God, Irish Catholic. What if ... And so it went. My mind was on fire. And it was ridiculously obsessive and sent electric shocks of anxiety through my veins. And the phone didn't ring.
Renee was a Godsend -- quite literally -- to me. I ranted to her via private message on Facebook, and she listened until I stopped. Then she'd say, "Ok, do you hear yourself? I get your worry, fully. I'd be worried too. BUT. So far you have nothing to worry about. That man loves you like no one has. He hasn't been home in ages, he's with his family and worried about his mom. You need to just breathe and take a step back."
It was the exact slap upside the head that this girl needed, and it didn't come fast enough. Renee's logic was what I needed to hear to set me straight. At that point I'd almost been ready to slap myself. That is one thing I dislike about my passionate brain: It's tendency to take limitless, Lifetime-movie-worthy vacations without consulting reality, and without notice.
I'm breathing in and out.
The next afternoon, I was sitting in the chiropractic office waiting for my son, with my daughter. To pass the time, I was surfing on Facebook, catching up on my friends' lives, when all of a sudden, a message popped up. It was Aidan! Woohoo! He was on (I think) his brother's Facebook on his phone. First we messaged back and forth, which was like HEAVEN. Then, the next thing I knew, he was calling me. It was all I had to stifle the sobs. My gosh, I had tears welling up in my eyes, enough to sail away on. His voice made my heart leap out of my chest. He filled me in on how it was to see his family again, and then all of a sudden he said, "I need to see you. I'm going to try to use FaceTime."
!!!!!
Sure enough, my phone rang again and this time it was video. I told my daughter to stay put, and I ran out to the vestibule so my conversation wouldn't disturb the other patients in the office. Talk about a sight for sore eyes!!! There he was, right before me, that precious man of mine. And then, there was his brother, Declan! Aidan introduced us, and Declan took over, chatting happily with me. I got to meet Clare, his wife, and Fionn, well, I tried to meet their little guy but he was racing through the house in a hurry like all toddlers tend to do. I cannot put into words what a gift that video call was.
Between my conversation with Aidan and the chat with his brother, I had enough to immediately ditch the worries that had been swimming around in my head. Forgive me, Lord, for such a lack of faith! I felt so silly for all of it. But it is what it is...This whole situation we had in our laps was completely new for us, and I had to figure out where this dance was taking us, and just hold on for the ride.
And what a dance it became! From that point on, every time Aidan found wifi, he messaged or Skyped. I love this man more than words can say. His dedication to me and to us, in the middle of such a whirlwind of being back home in Ireland with his family and his poor sick mammy, is mind blowing and amazing and just typing these words at this very second, I am holding back tears. Aidan has a heart like none other, and I am blessed to have him in my life.
Wherever this dance of ours shall go, so shall I follow. I love you, Aidan.
No comments:
Post a Comment